| November update |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|11:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  busy | ] |
For the month of November am trying to keep myself busy by having a life outside my boring life of work.
While my job is not a boring one (compared to others) it still drains a lot of time that I can use bumming or something.
So what are my current projects?
1. I made a blog for my gaming interests. I think it's about time I start doing reviews or talk about games...since that's what I do anyway. It's not that I love my job too much or have anything else to talk about. I just feel that I need to do so...because as a aspiring game designer I need to learn from past projects. I also think I need to let other people know that I want to do this.
2. I am joining NaNoWriMo. I have around 1.5k words so far. I'm probably going to be working on this while am working, since most of the time am not doing anything at work anyway until around late in the afternoon. I tend to become lazy with writing stuff since I endure mental blocks and stuff. This should motivate me to work. I should do this every year.
3. I am entering this week's Game Design Challenge. My game design concept isn't anything new, but as an officemate once said...in game design, at times it's more of innovation than originality. Don't force yourself to think of something TOO original, since most likely someone made it already.
4. Still pursuing my figma collection. I'm just lazy to do photostories. I need to force myself to make more posts. Most likely I'll be doing one post a month due to work and stuff.
Christmas is on the way...whew |
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| I hate being alone, |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|11:49 pm] |
I want to wake up one day and not have to worry about work.
I don't hate my job. I just hate the work hours, the loneliness...the fact that I really stay there more than 8 hours.
It sucks. |
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| One month at work |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|08:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  worried | ] |
It's been around a month since I've been working at the company.
How do I feel? Okay. I've been insecure though as of late. You see, I'm a newbie here but being a newbie AND this kinda job feels...useless.
All I do is test...and now am working with a really stressful project that I feel doesn't need me. I'm also competitive since the other tester here who has been here longer than me makes me feel uncomfortable. It's more of that well...I feel the need to compete.
I want to show that I AM competent. The producer of my current project sorta puts a little more faith in him....which kinda makes me sad. Yeah I know am a newbie but I want to try.
I also envy the programmers and the 3D artists. I want to program again but I don't like the idea of spending 8 hours coding...and worse, debugging. I prefer pointing it out to them than fixing it myself. I haven't done much with C++.
I also feel left out with the designers, who are sort of my closest to friends in the company..and still feel left out. Oh damn it.
What I like about the company is that you don't really feel that much hierarchy. Even as high as the CEO helps out with the games, and even if their in the finance or business they still help out with the project. It's a nice feeling of everyone helping out. People seem nice...they treat me as if I've been there for a while. Hay.
I just hope I can get through this place without feeling like shit every now and then, you know? |
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| Writer's Block: Job search |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|09:24 pm] |
So far am okay with my current job. This is the job I wanted, so I didn't get this for the money. I'm actually not getting paid as much as I thought, but it's fine. Since I still live with my family and only pay for my things I'm quite okay. The only thing I regret is time. I want to experience bumming. Seriously XD
I think there's such thing as a dream job. We all want jobs that don't feel like one, so we always have a set goal of what our dream job would be like. Some are quite specific as "I want to be a lawyer and have my own practice, etc etc" others are just as simple as "I want a job where it's easy and I get paid a lot." or I want a job where I can work at home."
This is technically my dream job. I initially wanted to become a game designer, and this company was the one who accepted me in and maybe one day I will finally fulfill that goal. At the same time, I also dream of getting a job that pays well..or pays a lot really. I'm not sure how much my dream job makes here. I hope while I love it, I get money...I'm sorry...I'm supporting a resin boy and myself. I need cash. XD
Five to ten years from now I think I'll see myself in the gaming industry still, if not abroad. I don't know if I'll really be in the gaming industry forever. I'm thinking of taking certification exams or something since I still love my Com Sci course. I also feel bad for not being able to use my programming skills and all the stuff I suffered learning back in college.
But anyway, getting this job was part of fulfilling my goal. I'm just going to get by this job until I feel it needs to end. I hope it ends well
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| Weekend for the Employed |
[Sep. 20th, 2009|10:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
So this will be my first weekend, and first long weekend as an employee.
What have I done so far?
Nothing much. I spent the whole Saturday not being at home. I need to get out and see the world since on the weekdays am always stuck at my office.
My friend is jealous of me because am earning money. I laughed and said "There's nothing to envy. Sure, I earn money...but I'm going to have deductions due to SSS and stuff this month. Plus I'll be out of the country for a week so that will mean less pay. Then I work 8 hours a day. I have no life."
He was still blabbing that I still make money, etc...since most of my college friends are still in school (although some of them are already working and make twice as much as I do)
I just told him "The only thing you should envy me for is I know what I want right now, and I'm doing it."
Sometimes I worry that this career choice will limit me from possible choices in the future...or I won't get any high-paying jobs. But I thought about it and came to the conclusion that...why must money be my motive to get by in life? So if I make lots of money a day but sacrifice 8 hours or more for 5-6 days in a week? I spent more than half of my week doing something I hate? So on Sundays I would be anxious because work is starting? That doesn't sound reasonable does it?
At least now I have a job that I can just walk to, no big deal over the attire, and I get PAID to play games all day. Possibly in the future, I'll get paid to make games. That sounds more fun than traditional jobs.
Just needed to let this out. Blogging is fun. |
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| The Crossroads in my dream career. |
[Sep. 16th, 2009|09:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | worried | ] |
Since high school, I knew I wanted to work with computers.
Since college, I knew I wanted to work with games. Second year, I said I wanted to be a designer.
By the time I graduated I got a job at a game company as a tester. Didn't mind since a lot of designers seemed to have started from that path.
Here's the thing: I'M STARTING TO LOVE BEING A GAME TESTER.
It's not as simple as it sounds....okay so far it SEEMS to be be easy. I'm just having problems because I don't know what SFXs should come out or what sounds should be heard during the game. Good thing the guy next to me has been in the company for a while, and seems to know about this more than me...so I can rely on him. So far I just document whatever bugs I find, and what not.
When I join meetings with the people involved with the game, I see the passion and the detail that they had put into those things or the research they had poured their brain cells out trying to get right. It's just downright amazing. I'm excited to work with other projects in the future. Anyway, so there. Another thing that bothers me about the design job is FIGHTING with other designers. Most likely in a project you'll be working with more than one designer and am worried about the conflicts that could occur. When designing for something, you can't always have what you want. You need to learn to accept people's criticisms, or that some parts of your work won't be done.
In QA, I pretty much play a game the whole day...looking for any kind of bug. Then documenting it....after 3 days of doing the same thing over and over again, it's pretty amazing how I'm not dying of boredom. Well, other times I just want to play music while testing, but since I need to check if the cues are done right so I have no choice but to listen to the music tracks. It's sad at times. I think I need coffee.
I still have a lot of time to think about it, but I could not help but think of it now. These people are counting on me, and they have a path for me. I just don't know where to go.
Anyway, hopefully my days at work will get better. My problems right now is that I don't know many people and honestly it feels kinda lonely at work. Everyone's busy but once in a while I want to chat with somebody. It's kinda painful to do the same game over and over again.
Now I miss college. Why is it right when I get to the top, I always go to the bottom? |
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| First day of Work |
[Sep. 14th, 2009|09:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
I woke up too early but decided to go on with it anyway since I didn't want to be late (I live 10 minutes away to do that)
I walk to work, with all the documents needed by the HR...excited and nervous at the same time.
I get to work and hand out my documents...then I end up filling up MORE forms. Yay me. I also had to get my biometrics taken.
I have my own workstation, company email and SVN. I was oriented about the company policies but not about the games we were doing. In short, I was practically just inserted into two projects. I didn't mind really, since that meant I could start testing on the gameplay and how the game is doing while it's almost done. I didn't talk to much people, save the HR people. Most people were busy to talk to me. Well, there was the boss, the lead tester and one of the story designers who did speak to me. I do have a friend there, but we're just acquaintances really. It was a quiet afternoon. Good thing I was busy with work, as that kept me distracted.
I had lunch at home. It was okay. I should have eaten more, for I got hungry in the afternoon. I was lazy to buy food downstairs, since there was only one elevator and taking the stairs would be a hassle.
The last few hours of my first day just flew by. I met the production team for one of my projects. All of them male, which doesn't surprise me. They just had updates on their game, and most of the time I was just editing the spreadsheet online for comments and bugs I saw. That's really all I did that day. We were not given a document to refer to, but that was okay. The guy next to me was very friendly. He helped me out with loads of stuff.
I left around 7 since the boss wanted me to see the build of another project I'm working on. It was kinda fun.
Now that I'm done with my first day, somehow I'm worried. I think I started too early. I mean, I wanted a job, but now I'm worried that I gave up my time when I could have done other things first. Like taking up a class or something....I feel like an idiot.
Oh well. My job is fun so far, and I think I can be happy with that. |
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| Self-pity, self-hate, blah |
[Aug. 31st, 2009|09:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I'm trying to come into terms that I made a stupid mistake.
I don't feel like I've learned anything. I just feel crappy.
The professor who scared me the most scolded me. I don't blame him. It doesn't mean it didn't hurt though. He sounds like he forgave me, but I can't forgive myself.
I won't go into detail, as I don't have the time nor the energy. To be honest I want to forget the whole thing to make my life easier.
Also just wanted to use this service...since nobody really knows me here |
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| It was all...yellow |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|10:25 pm] |
Former President Cory Aquino was finally buried today.
The whole day was filled with news about her from the mass to the transfer and to the burial.
I could see yellow garments or ribbons everywhere I went.
As I was listening to history being told on the radio, I could not help but wonder what I could possibly do to feel...like I cared.
I don't know much about Cory Aquino. I knew she had a great image of a caring Mother and did all she could despite the circumstances. She wasn't the best president (She still had some flaws...refer to Hacienda Luisita) but then again, parents can only do so much.
I guess if there's anything I can say about her is that I admire her for doing what she could. It's not easy being a president and she didn't seem interested in politics, but did it anyway, and did it without much problems. She was the first woman President in the Philippines as well as in Asia. She was on Time. Wow.
That's all I can say for now.
I'm just happy she doesn't have to suffer anymore, and now she can rest peacefully with her husband...wherever they are |
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| I just need to post this so I can work on something else |
[Aug. 3rd, 2009|11:25 am] |
This is fiction.
~*~
I never really believed in God.
The afterlife, heaven and hell-these were all just myths told by adults to keep us from doing harm to others. I learned this as I grew up. To me there was probably no God or heaven with angels flying naked in the sky. Probably, anyway. I was still young enough to give this idea the benefit of the d
The thought of dying to nothing was probably the scariest thing to consider if there was no existence of a God. The finality of things...I had a hard time accepting. This caused me nights of tears and days of sadness. To get by I would constantly distract myself with the trivialities of life. Death was to pick me up one day, but that day seems to be very far away.
It was about time though, that Death picked up someone else.
Few days ago I had found out that my grandfather had died. For many years he had been stuck on bed, and had may as well been a vegetable. I would visit him every now and then, but looking at him just hurt me. It hurt because I knew he was dying and that one day I may be in the same case. Looking ad Death like this was unbearable, so I refused to see him during his last years of his life.
The priest said that there was nothing to cry about. He is now happy in heaven where there is no pain and suffering. While it had given my family peace in their minds, it had not done the same for me. This was the job of a priest: to comfort the people with ideas like heaven and the afterlife. They probably spent their life brainwashing themselves with ideas like this that it seemed like the truth. Either way, at least I didn't have to worry about my family.
Days had passed...and people had gotten over it.
An interesting conversation had popped up one day as we were eating lunch. It had been a week since my grandfather died, and I had just finally let his death out of my system.
"I had a dream about your grandfather" My father told me.
"What about him?" I asked, not really interested.
"I was outside. The front door was open, and I went to close it. Something stopped me though. I went to open the door a bit to see what it was and your grandfather was there."
I blinked. That was interesting.
"I of course was surprised, and it seemed that he knew he was dead. He told me 'Do not worry. I am not mad. It's alright son. I'm happy now."
That dream kept me up for a while. While I could have just passed it as my father's unconscious desire to think that his old man was in a happy place, it made me think twice.
I hoed it wasn't really a dream, because then it sort of gave one a sense of hope...that maybe, just maybe...there is something beyond this earth.
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| Relationship problems |
[Jul. 15th, 2009|10:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | worried | ] |
Most of the people in my small circle of friends are having problems, and I'm not sure what to do.
Being in a romantic relationship was never really my thing. I guess due to the fact that being so detached to the idea some people go to me to talk about it. Or...no particular reason really.
What bothers me is this one friend who feels he will die alone...all because one girl just has no time to go out with him.
I wish there was some way I could ease his suffering, but the way I see it he just won't see reason right now. I can't blame him since it must hurt him a lot.
I find it sad that society has brainwashed themselves that they need to have a special someone to keep them going. People go out of their way to meet "the one" in their lives as if that was the way to Nirvana. People whining on Valentines' Day just because they have nobody to share it with. People feeling off when they are single while people are happy with their loved one.
Now, I'm not saying having someone-just one person is a bad thing. I just hope that people realize that they don't need to be with someone to be complete. That's not what a relationship should be about, right? It should just be to make them MORE happy, to add to what you already have. If people were just finding something to complete themselves, that would be such a burden on the other person right?
It hurt me that he feels alone even among his friends. This meant there is nothing anyone can do. It's up to him to make himself happy. I just wish he could see this my way, and maybe he'd feel a lot better. Then again, what would I know? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|09:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
No matter how old I got, I usually put some distance to people who I consider an adult. Teachers, relatives, parents or just some person who I have a big age gap with.
I felt like due to the age gap we think differently from each other to a point that I keep quiet about my opinions and stuff to myself. I also just place my distance because, not that I enjoy people who think differently, but I think it's just that in the end I would rather have someone who agrees with me with things. Even now that I'm sorta an adult (Am legal in this country anyway), I still think due to my upbringing, media, and other influences, my opinions, my thoughts, my interests will be very different from an adult.
That doesn't mean I haven't met any adults that I feel I have become friends with.
Several years back I met two people who I felt were like my older sisters. I talked to them about stuff as if they were just my friends, but still being respectful by using the proper honorifics. However, there were powerful people up there who didn't approve of this, and because of that they left.
This hurt me because well, I wanted to believe that there could be a compromise between the age gap. I believed at that time, that I could have friends who I consider to be adults and that I would not have to put some sort of defense shield or think twice about what I say.
Either way, even if they did leave, due to some issues, I lost them forever. I don't know what hurt me more; the fact that the higher ups made this happen or the fact that it just didn't work out between me and those people.
Second situation arrived when I was in college. She was so fun and kind to me. I felt that I could be a little more open to her.
However, I feel with the past I had, I have placed some distance between me and her. While I found her awesome and someone I indeed look up to, I felt that I was not worthy to be a friend to her. I...was just a former student. I have pushed some boundaries and added her to my social networks, and have the courage to reply to her blogs and all, but I feel I will never be able to talk to her like a friend.
Another situation was a relative. She was younger than my other relatives, and she seemed open to things I was and I felt I could talk to her.
However, I dunno. Something just happened that made me realize she was a relative....not just a relative, but an ADULT relative. She also had the same thoughts and opinions as all my other older relatives. We could not be friends.
Lastly, which for some reason hurt me a lot, probably because this is another increment to previous pains, was a person who was not my friend, but someone I indeed looked up to. I found her interesting and open to stuff. She was knowledgeable with the arts and history and the like. She was witty and interesting.
Being her student, I decided to put distance to be safe.
A few days, she snapped. Due to certain events, she called us "malicious and infantile". Some people were sorta making fun of one of the Rembrandt paintings where the boy had a hand on the girl's chest. It was supposedly a sign of fidelity and trust since the hand was at her heart. People were kinda laughing at the thought. Some actually placed their hand on someone else's chest, that I suppose came out as a form of mockery.
So yeah. She told us she was upset at how immature we were. She told us she expected more from us, and that she felt that we were not listening to her when she requested maturity from us.
After her sermon I felt she was mocking our education and knowledge since well, there were times I felt she was hinting it.
After feeling really upset at myself, for thinking that maybe I was starting to be immature...I realized that may not necessarily be why I was upset.
It could be I was upset because well, I disappointed someone I looked up to. I do not intend to make any of my professors upset, even if I don't like them.
It could be because I felt, she could have handled it better. Okay, so some people have (what she called) malicious sense of humor. I doubt those people had a bad intention. In this era, you were expecting better? They were probably just kidding around, and felt YOU would have been more open to the idea. I get the idea you're trying to teach, but it's not like we have been all fun and games.
It could be because in a way, YOU were not being mature. Okay scratch that. I'm just upset.
So yeah. Apparently the memory of hearing her say those words, for some reason made my heart empty. I felt like even if we were not friends or anything closer than a teacher and student, she betrayed me. Drama you can call it, but I dunno. Could be the hormones or could be because of all the past experiences I had with this kind of thing.
So...yeah. basically I'm just upset at what happened and I wanted to share. |
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| I think...therefore I'm confused |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|04:49 pm] |
I wake up late.
I eat
I spend the rest of my afternoon finding something to do.
I think.
I wonder
I ask myself "Do I have a life?"
Do I have a purpose?
Am I complete?
Why do I seem empty?
I don't have problems.
I'm okay.
Yet here I am, all alone.
Nobody to talk to.
Everyone has their own life, leaving me to my own.
I have nobody.
I truly...have nobody.
Because I chose to.
I don't really have friends.
Hardly...and they like being alone.
So I guess I joined people who wanted to be alone.
Therefore I joined no group.
I'm just myself.
I feel no stress. I feel no pain.
I feel nothing.
Just loneliness.
Emptiness
Do I have a problem?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
Why do I feel so unfulfilled? Why do I feel like crying?
I have no purpose.
...All I do is study...study study study...where does that really lead?
Am I just making myself upset to feel something?
What am I doing?
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| Stolen from Jei |
[Jul. 27th, 2008|02:04 pm] |
Instructions:
1. Go here  . The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2. Go here. The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.
3. Go here. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4. Go here. The first ten links you end up in (minus the .coms) are your 10 song titles.
----
RESULTS:
Band Name: Colón (That's...awesome)
Album Name: Responding to your need
Album Cover:
(This is our response to your need)
Songs:
1. Lavazza
2. Strung-up
3. Freedom2Surf
4. Social Studies (OH THAT'S LOVELY)
5. Kogasu
6. French Kiss Records
7. VegSource (Oh yeah...)
8. Listen to me (How groundbreaking)
9. Symantec (Funny this is I know this site...haha!)
10. Feeling Sinister
Oh yeah. I so see myself in the top ten charts with Symantec and Lavazza. Norton will kill us |
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| Several hours before the defense |
[Jul. 22nd, 2008|12:20 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | rant | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  irritated | ] |
The following happens, in this order
1. I now believe on of my friends has a horrible split personality in which I don't want to involve myself any longer.
2. I have a dear friend who let stress and rage rule over her and turn her into something bad.
3. I panicked more about what to wear for my proposal realizing I don't have much of a formal attire.
4. There are too many revisions for our proposal I may not know what to say.
5. I should have slept 2 hours ago but I did not. |
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| Damn |
[Jul. 20th, 2008|03:42 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | rant | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
I have nothing to be mad about.
I kinda hate it.
The anger went away all of a sudden and now I have nothing to talk about.
This is just frustrating.
On the good hand, Dark Knight was awesome. |
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| I think I want myself sad |
[Jun. 24th, 2008|03:02 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | random | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
I'm listening to sad tunes because I want to.
I don't know why. To be honest, my life is actually doing fine. The fight has ended...no homework...no classes.
And here I am...finding a way to relate to my playlist.
....or am I....really sad...but I can't pinpoint my true reason...for I made myself forget? |
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| Randomly inspired |
[Jun. 22nd, 2008|04:30 pm] |
I've been feeling like I'm stuck somewhere. I decided to type this story. This could be true with some other ideas I decided to mix it with. I think I need a better title
Closing
"Ruka? Help me find a candle. The electricity went out."
I squint an eye to see a bright light. I thought it was morning.
I wake up to see the light from a laptop...and nothing more.
I wake up to the darkness.
The wind was blowing outside. I could hear the rain pouring on the earth. We have been cruel to our mother...after all she has done to keep us alive. She cries all over the world.
I sit up and try to look around. It feels like a Silent Hill video game. I feel like if am not careful something will pull me to my end. I try to remember any source of light to use for the time being. My puppy is quietly sleeping at the end of my bed. He is usually very cautious, barking at nothing or something we just could not see. It's been that way since the funeral. I wonder at times if he could see the dead.
His calm facade might be a good sign that I have nothing to fear.
"We have a scented candle we could use. It should be somewhere in the paper bags by my bed." I said.
"Can you look for it?"
I sigh and get up to walk towards a corner where all our junk was placed. I could not find the paper bag on that side. I go to the other and smell a strong scent of chocolate.
"It's here." I pull it out. We haven't used it for months. I'm relieved we didn't decide to finish it off.
"Do you have a lighter? Matches?"
"I probably have a lighter somewhere...but that would be hard to find since I don't remember where I placed it." It was probably somewhere in my closet, but I was worried about my room mate's battery life. I am on the assumption that we didn't have much time left, and unknown to many I recently became afraid of the dark.
"Let's go to the kitchen. There should be matches somewhere."
I pick up the candle and unlock the door.
I walk into the empty and dark hallway. For some reason, I'm calm even though I'm getting these thoughts of undead creatures to capture me. The laptop light leads the way to the kitchen.
I push the kitchen door to see a light from the door across this room. I feel like am saved-when in reality that's just the generator keeping the parlour bright. My room mate opens a drawer by the stove and finds a long box of matches. I am now assigned to hold her laptop.
She pulls one out and lights our candle.
She fails.
As she searches for another match, I look out to the parlour to see that the light of hope was gone. The generator went out? I hope she finds a match soon.
She lights up the candle and we head back. I feel much safer thinking the flame from my candle will not die.
We return and my room mate falls fast asleep. I lie back on my bed, but no longer does sleep pick me up from this world.
The sky seems brighter. Life will begin again.
I close my eyes to see a man we lost.
Yes...life will begin again.
~*~
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| New icon and new thoughts |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|09:50 pm] |
New icon by ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) hermione_angel
Check her out
So...what have I been doing as of late?
Working on a proposal...and reading references
Whatever I felt before has been totally released from my system, which I feel grateful for. It took some suffering to get to it, but now I feel it was worth the pain. Now I can see things much better and be a little more logical. I think this will be an interesting year for me if I can get out of it.
I just realize I didn't really have much to say. Damn. |
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| -evil laugh- |
[May. 30th, 2008|05:29 pm] |
SHE'S BACK IN THE NEW SEASON!
BY EPISODE 167 SHE IS BACK
HAHAHAAHAHAHA THERE IS A GOD
Now there is some happiness and I will not be forced in dragging myself to finish a season.
OH YEAH! |
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